Because I originally had these thoughts in Korean:

세상에 남자들은 모두 똑같구나.

벌써 잘 알았는데 그냥 누구로 인해 떠올랐어.

그러면서 갑자기 생각하게 되었어.

앞으로 있을 애인에게 말하고 싶은 말이 있는데 아무리 이상해도 말하고 싶은 말.

나랑 헤어지면 절대 다른 여자를 위해 하지마.

어떤 이유에도 불고하고 그냥 다른 여자를 위해 헤어지게 되지말아.

이상하지만 그렇게 하고 싶어.

왠지 몰라.

내가 약한 사람이 되었냐? 아니면 그냥 지쳤기 땜에?

역시. 혼자는 있는 건 이상입니다.

I think know that this statement has been used so many times that it’s become a cliche, but men really are all the same.

All around the world, methinks.

What is it that makes them incapable of being faithful?

Is it base instinct? Or is it just that I had the misfortune of seeing one too many of the same kind of guys?

So much so that when I think about it, the first inane request that I’m inclined to make to the new Him is:

“Can you promise to never break up with me because of another girl?”

I don’t care if it happens because of my personality, or circumstances, or even because my left foot is bigger than my right.

As long as it’s not because of another girl, I think I could deal with it.

Wow. That sounded like all kinds of needy (ㅠ.ㅠ)

노세노세 젊어노세 늙어지면 못노나니
Play play, play while you’re young. Because when you grow old, you won’t be able to.

Eugene sent this to me via facebook, asking for my help in translating (you really give me too much credit!). Unfortunately, I didn’t recognise some of the vocab and couldn’t find it either, so I had to ask my Korean friend what they meant. Turns out they were abbreviated spellings of words and/or old Korean (just like how we have old Chinese).

I can’t decide if I’m feeling this way because this event is in total conflict with my beliefs or if I’m simply being difficult and stubborn.

As it is, I do not believe in the need for this event. I was alright and feeling extremely cooperative to begin with, because I felt this was a long time coming, and it was important to her.

But when it has been made blindingly obvious to me that this event is being given -way- more significance and importance than it really should (because it is, for the most part, a superficial event), I’m feeling extremely averse to having to partake in this senselessly-glorified session which should essentially be only about the two people involved.

As if this wasn’t enough to put me off.

Now I suddenly remembered that this event totally ruins my plans. And there’s -no- way I can work around it.

I’m feeling so frustrated; kinda feels like hearing fingernails on blackboard.

That I have to give up something I was really looking forward to, to endorse something I am now totally not, just fucks up my mood.

I guess you really can’t have your cake and fucking eat it.

Ooo lunchtime. I’m so hungry! Oh this is yum! Check bus schedules. Which is the first bus. Which is the last bus. Where is the pick up point? Okay wait this bowl is getting in my way. I’ll just eat it later. Is there a direct bus from City A to City B? No. Alright let’s take the ferry. Check ferry schedules. OMG. The ferry takes 11 hours. Ok let’s not take it twice. Check flights. Great! There are flights every hour. Ooo it’s not too expensive! Perfect! Alright. Lodgings. OMGTHEDATESWEWANTAREOUTALREADY!? Google (my best friend). Man we need to get instructions on how to get to the bus stations. Urgh where in the world is the hostel, I can’t find it on the damn map. Oh wait there it is. Freaking hell, why’s it so small! Hmm, how far is this from the stuff we want to see, really? Wait. How big is the town?? Google. Godamnit can’t find anything. Sigh. Forget it, it can’t be that big. Alright, I should do up an itinerary so that we don’t end up losing days unintentionally. Wait. How many columns should I have? OMGTHISISSOMESSYIHATEDOINGTABLES! Should I colour the table? Oh dangit, I’ll just colour it. Thank god, I’m finally done! Wait, the times are wrong -_- NooOOooo. Ok they’re correct now. Right? Ok yes, they are. Oh. My lunch. I forgot about it. It’s 6.30pm already!? Oh dinner? Urm. Ok! *pours food away*

Annnnnnnnd.

That pretty sums up my day.

But it was kinda fun=D

“We’re not exceptions. We’re all rules.”

But despite everything, there’s still part of me that wishes one day, I’ll be able to say:

“I’m the exception!”

And he’ll say,

“You’re -my- exception.”

Yes, I do believe those 2 lines were my favourite.

I think only divers will understand and appreciate the uber euphoria in the following conversation in going for a 4D3N trip after a long hiatus -

gerard says:
soo long shiok!!!! haha first time man

wen says:
not first time lahhh

gerard says:
but will be more ex lah

wen says:
first time in a long timeeee

wen says:
well we might not do ALL the dives what

wen says:
remember what happened the LAST time we went?

wen says:
*sleeps in hammock*

wen says:
*yawns*

wen says:
Eh wanna do next dive not?

wen says:
*stretchs lazily* aiyah we see where they go first

wen says:
*saunters over hoping they go lousy site* LOUSY SITE!!

wen says:
*runs back to hammock*

gerard says:
hahahaha shit dammit i cant waitttt!!!!

gerard says:
u make me gian

gerard says:
shit that is so the life

gerard says:
dont forget the traffic lightsssss

gerard says:
many many traffic lights

gerard says:
i hope they have a new monkey!

Along with stupid people, rude people, evil people.

Liars should be bred out.

Because liars hurt, and scar and still live normal lives.

Where is the justice.

I don’t regret taking up the 2nd chance.

If anything, i’m grateful for it.

But to see that it’s turning into every other situation in my previous experiences, is disheartening.

Occasionally, I get assaulted with these random bouts of wistfulness and sadness.

Which make my eyes water, and my nose prickle.

And sometimes, the occasional tear finds it ways down my cheek.

I’m resigned.

All cried out.

I believe i’ve emerged more cynical and jaded than before.

With every relationship i go through, i believe less in true, lasting romantic love.

Am i hurting?

80% of the time now, the answer’s “No”.

But of course i’m still upset.

When i think about the past, my heart wrenches.

And it seems the only time i ever get to see any remnants of my boy, is when we are away from Singapore.

Away from everything and everyone.

I miss Bangkok.

But i’m guessing there won’t be any more of that. (cue for heartache)

Because, from the way i see it:

The guy’s miserable, he thinks he’s borderline depressive. The girl’s moved on to another random boy from school, but she still has feelings for the guy. The girl will encounter a bump in the new relationship, and run back to guy. And there we have it, the all-so-familiar scenario which nicely sums up the experiences of my love life.

Checking for pesky ex-girlfriends and messy break-ups with predecessors didn’t do me any good in this relationship.

And with this situation, it’s only made me realise this – that the Other, can and will appear at any point. It matters not if there were already present or not in the equation. There is no way to pre-empt it.

It’s just your luck i guess.

It’s just my luck.

And as much as i like being able to say “I told you so”, it usually comes to a point where i can’t even be bothered to acknowledge that little bit of victory.

Even at this juncture, you can’t see who it is you really love and need. Despite having been through it once, despite it being the exact same situation, you still fail to see. I really expected better. I thought that having been through all that, you’d have been wiser to the situation. But that’s not the case. I’m insulted and my heart is cold.

It sounds pompous and arrogant. But i know it for the truth; The person you love, you have once again sidelined for the peripherals; unseeing and unwilling to see.

And here i am, choosing my words carefully because there is this tiny part in my mind that goes, “What if he reads it?” But i know better. You’d not be reading this until i’m gone from your life. Because like the last time, it’ll only be then that you realise who and what in reality, really matters.

Long rant. I’m fine. Don’t ask.

마음은 힘든하고 죽었어.

그래서, 괜잖아.

이렇게 살아요.

그냥.

대안없어 보여요.

이사람은 한번 했으면, 여러 번 다시 할 수 있을까?

난 몰라.

도 알게 관심없어.